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19-20So the LORD took some soil and made animals and birds. He brought them to the man to see what names he would give each of them. Then the man named the tame animals and the birds and the wild animals. That's how they got their names.
None of these was the right kind of partner for the man. 21So the LORD God made him fall into a deep sleep, and he took out one of the man's ribs. Then after closing the man's side, 22the LORD made a woman out of the rib.
The LORD God brought her to the man, 23and the man exclaimed,
"Here is someone like me!
She is part of my body,
my own flesh and bones.
She came from me, a man.
So I will name her Woman!"
*Genesis 2.19-23 (CEV)
Is the only choice for males and females to have deeply satisfying intimacy sexual expression? Is there another option for persons who feel called to a chaste life, for a time or always, other than being "less" a person than others? Is it possible that a person might find fulfillment in companionship with a person of opposite gender and without it being or becoming sexual, or genital?
The word "companionship" alludes to having a "companion." "Companion" means, based on the Late Latin: "One with whom you share bread, sit at table with; this implies one whom you share closeness of soul, fellowship of mind and heart." In Christian terms this is an "in Christ" intimacy of spirit in ardent Christlike love.
Companionship is a spiritual grace. To live deeply in the Spirit of Christ, as shown by great Christian men and women over time, we each need solid, deep, and lasting companionship. While living a deeply spiritual life might limit whom you share your spiritual thoughts and experience with, except at a surface level, you need at least one other person of like experience. This person you can share with inner thoughts and experiences, hold each other accountable, and pray with and for each other.
Often, again, great Christian saints show us that this other might be a person of opposite gender. I share an example, below. Bear in mind, however, that if in a married state, my advice would not apply - see below.
Hopefully, if you are married, your wife or husband would be that one who can share deeply with you spiritually. If that is not possible, and often such is not, you need to pray for and seek someone of the same gender as you.
My example is St. Francis de Sales and his dear friend St. Jane Frances de Chantal, with whom he founded the order of the Visitation of Mary (1610). St. Francis wrote many letters to St. Jane. He reveals his heart closeness to her, saying in a letter: "Who but God, my dear daughter, could cause two spirits to mingle so perfectly that they have become one only spirit, indivisible, inseparable, for He only is one by His very essence." In other words, the union of St. Francis and St. Jane is possible, for it flows from the union God is in God's Self. There is harmony between "on earth" as "in heaven," when a spiritual relationship reflects the nature of God as One-in-Three.
Elsewhere, we get another reference from St. Francis of this union of souls, as he writes to St. Jane. He writes: "I tell you all this, because my heart cannot hide anything from yours. It cannot be different or other than yours - but just one with yours."
Fr. Christopher Rengers, in The 33 Doctors of the Church, speaks of the spiritual message for us in the companionship between St. Francis and St. Jane. "The relationship," he observes, "between these two Saints proves beyond doubt that a full and flowering affection between a man and woman is compatible with a life of perfect chastity and the truest love of God." Indeed, such was the closeness of these two persons, their tombs now flank the main altar of a monastery of the Visitation of Annecy.
I recommend spiritual companionship of a devout man and woman can prove beneficial to both in singleness. For it to work, both need to agree the companionship will keep priority as a spiritual one. I, indeed, can see the need for rites for the celebration of such spiritual unions, for singles unmarried or who feel a call to singleness as a life vocation. Presently, we have no such rite in the churches, and I believe such is a need.
Likewise, this avenue could prove helpful to divorced persons. A person divorced might benefit immensely from a spiritual companionship, without the aspects entailed in a sexual or marital relationship. And, in a culture that seems to think rushing to sexualness is helpful, this chaste bond can help persons learn a man and woman can enjoy a fully satisfying union in sacred friendship. This, then, could enrich their capacity for intimacy of an emotional, spiritual nature, and this would only enhance any romantic relationship that might be in the future with someone else. If the present companionship moved toward romantic, both would need prayerfully to agree and only after a time of intentional spiritual discernment.
We need to explore two matters in conclusion. First, sexual expression does not necessarily enhance the union of man and woman. This seems clear, but in an over-sexualized culture it is not clear to many, indeed, most, persons. Persons rush into sexual expression, assuming it will only enrich the relationship. Such is vain thinking. The connection of spirit to spirit between a man and woman, without the physical union, may well prove very enriching for many men and women.
Second, even as women are often treated as second-class when having no child - as married women with children were treated oppositely in past times - , men and women can be treated as less than a "real" woman or man when choosing to live chaste. Recall, Gandhi living chaste with his wife. At first, she did not like the idea. Later, she came to speak highly of the shared chasteness she and her husband had in spiritual union.
Are you single? You may wish to pray about a spiritual companion of the opposite gender.
Are you married? You may wish to seek to re-dedicate your marriage for the spiritual blessing and progress of your spouse and you, even seeing sexual expression as a worship of God Who is One, through the physical union of sexual expression.
Are you married and your marriage is in trouble? You may wish to choose together to practice spiritual chastity for a time, and give time to redating and building up aspects of your union that need strengthening.
The union implied in the story of Eve being formed from the rib of Adam need not speak only of physical union. This story says that there is a union already among us all, and male and female can complement each other. Certainly, this does not exclude such blessing for those who choose to fulfill that calling, for a time or always, in chaste companionship.
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*Material on St. Francis and St. Jane is from Fr. Christopher Renger's. The 33 Doctors of the Church.
*Charitable contributions would be appreciated to assist Brian in continuing his ministry. For contributions, contact Brian at barukhattah@embarqmail.com .
*Brian's book of spiritual love poetry, An Ache for Union: Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major booksellers or the Cokesbury on-line store, cokesbury.com .
*Brian K. Wilcox, a United Methodist Pastor, lives in Southwest Florida. He is a vowed member of Greenbough House of Prayer, a contemplative Christian community in South Georgia. He lives a contemplative life and seeks to inspire others to enjoy a more intimate relationship with Christ. Brian advocates for a spiritually-focused, experiential Christianity and renewal of the Church through addressing the deeper spiritual needs and longings of persons.
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